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God's Purpose for Marriage (Ephesians 5:21-33)
Series: Ephesians (Your Identity in Christ)Paul instructs us all to submit to one another in Ephesians 5:21. In verses 22-33, Paul uses the example of the church to show wives how to respect and submit to their husbands and the example of Christ to show husbands how to love and sacrifice for their wives. This text is fantastic because, as the example of Christ and the church teaches us about marriage, marriage helps us better understand the marriage between Christ and the church. We will end up seeing purpose in other relationships, but we want to spend the majority of our time talking about God’s purpose for marriage.
Radical Love and Respect in Marriage
We will only understand the outcome God seeks from marriage when we see how God commands us to behave within marriage. In verse 22, Paul commands wives to “submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.” In verse 25, Paul commands husbands to “love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…” Singles and newlyweds may not feel this, but there is not one of us who has been married very long who does not recognize the extreme difficulty of obeying these commands.
Consider how radical this love and respect is supposed to be. Wives are to submit to husbands like they submit to the Lord. The call is not to follow your husbands’ lead when you like him and agree. That is not like the church’s submission to Christ. Wives are commanded to submit in everything (vs. 24). Husbands are to love their wives like Christ loved the church. We are not told to buy some roses and take her on some dates here and there. Christ gave his life for the people who killed him. Husbands are to lead and love their wives by sacrificing themselves like Christ did for the church. Submitting and loving like this forces us to constantly consider how our decisions affect our spouse. These commands are meant to alter everything we think about marriage.
Obedience here is so difficult because we are called to respect and submit and love and sacrifice no matter how our spouse behaves. We might obey God in this, but that does not mean our spouse will! We could love in all things, but we cannot control our spouse. Furthermore, God created marriage so that once we commit, it does not matter if we no longer want to be married, there is no biblical escape. We are stuck with our spouse - like them or not. When times get tough, we have a choice: radically love our spouse like Christ no matter what they do, or give up and destroy the marriage.
Making the right decision here is completely unnatural to us. Following the curse from Genesis 3:16 is natural. God said to Eve, “You will want to control your husband, but he will dominate you” (Genesis 3:16, NET). This is a sad picture of hostility. Adam was thrilled when he first saw Eve. “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh.” Their marriage was initially the prime example of unity. Two became spiritually, mentally and physically one. Yet, God says their relationship would become a battle for control. It was all an outgrowth of their sin. Adam was supposed to lovingly lead and protect Eve, but he failed when Satan came and he blamed Eve for his sin. Eve was created as a helper fit for Adam, so she was supposed to respectfully follow his lead. But Eve took control and led her husband into sin. They were joined to love each other, but they only thought of themselves. How can we be one with our spouse and love them when we naturally think of ourselves? Through Christ and the church God is reversing the curse and solving the mystery of how two can become one.
Improving Our Marital Love and Respect
Let’s look at Christ and the church and consider how God helps us love like this. Upon doing this, we should see a clear picture of what purposes God does and does not give marriage.
First, Paul began in Ephesians 5:21 by telling us to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Paul speaks similarly in Colossians 3:23-24. “Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.” Whatever we do, we are supposed to do it as if we were doing it for the Lord. We talked about this recently in our class on Deuteronomy 6. The command is to love God with all our heart, all our soul, and all our might. This may seem impossible because we have relationships and responsibilities that are not with God. But we demonstrate this love for God when, despite obstacles, because we love God with all our heart, we live out these relationships and responsibilities how God commands us to. Our love for Christ is demonstrated in how we work, how we treat our spouse, how we interact with our kids, parents, church, and the lost. The parable in Matthew 25:31-46 teaches this principle also. If we do not show love to the least of other people, we do not love Jesus. In as much as we love the least of other people, we love Jesus.
This principle is very present in marriage. But in the thick of marital sins, struggles, and disagreements, it is very difficult to remember this. We only think of the treatment we deserve and how they deserve nothing. We just want out. How are we supposed to love our spouse when our spouse treats us poorly? We might be right in our estimation of them. They might be the least of all people - but God does not command us to love or respect our spouse based on their worthiness. Next time we show kindness, make a sacrifice, take spiritual leadership, speak kindly, submit our will, serve our spouse or surprise them with a gift - let us not make it about what they deserve. When we love our spouses, let us make it a statement about our reverence and love for Christ. If we only love those who love us, what reward do we have? We have a great reward and show we truly love God when we love, sacrifice, respect, and submit to our spouse when we believe they deserve it the least.
Second, using Christ as an example, Paul speaks in verses 25-33 of how Christ sacrificed himself and cleansed the church. The reason Christ did this is because we - the church - are his body. Do we typically hate our body and refuse to care for it? No! We try to take care of our body, even if we do it poorly. We will do anything to feed our body when it is hungry and clean our body when it is dirty. Even though we were hungry, in danger, and dirty, Christ sacrificed himself to change this because we are his body. Christ actually show his greatest love for us when we are not well because it only hurts him if he watches us perish. How a marriage can unify two people peacefully may be a mystery to the world, but following this example is the only way two can successfully become one. It is only beneficial for two to become one when they actually treat each other like they treat their own body.
The application is in Ephesians 5:28. “In the same way, husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” Paul applies this to husbands, but wives can also learn from this. If we are married, we are one flesh with our spouse! If we are treated poorly by our spouse, for some reason we want to make a great statement about it by treating them poorly in return. While we should communicate our hurt to our spouse, we are only hurting ourselves if we hurt them. If we instead love and serve them, we are actually helping ourselves. When we are discouraged with our spouse and with marriage, let’s use this as motivation. If we think our spouse is acting like dirt and we in turn treat them like dirt, we are not only destroying a marriage - we are destroying ourselves. When we actively love them no matter what, we are at least preventing ourselves from being destroyed. Let us adopt a new perspective. When we see our spouse, let us see them as our own body.
Third, consider how God does not tell us to make sure we find happiness and fulfillment in marriage. Wisdom literature instructs us to take joy in our spouse to ensure we are not unfaithful. Aside from this, God’s instruction is always to love, sacrifice, respect, submit ourselves, and be faithful toward our spouse unconditionally. These commands are given without respect to our fulfillment. This is because our happiness and fulfillment is not the goal God intended for marriage. It was Christ’s joy to go to the cross for us, but joy was not his intention. His intention was to save us and to love us. Our submission to Christ should bring joy and it is a motivator, but joy is not our aim. Our aim is to love and please Christ by following his lead. In the same way, fulfillment can certainly be outcomes of marriage when we are selfless, but God never promises this to us.
This can be eye-opening. If our fulfillment was not God’s prime goal in creating marriage, this means we have already uncovered what God’s intention is for marriage through our previous points. God has put us in a relationship which becomes a battle when we are selfish and we have to learn and grow to preserve the marriage. It is like this so we will grow to more perfectly have what we do not have: real, self-less, Christ-like love. This is a level of love that is very tough to learn outside of marriage. This is because marriage is so unique. Unless we were extremely mature, our perception of love before marriage is completely unlike what it is like to love your spouse in real life. Few marry thinking of how great it will be to learn to sacrifice, love, and submit to this person when they seem unlovable. Marriage can force growth like no other relationship because there is truly no way out of it. We must change our expectations and love without reciprocation to save the relationship.
People want to know why marriage is so important. “It is not so bad to have relations and live together before we marry!” People want to know why divorce is so bad. “I am so unhappy - do not make divorce a bigger deal than it is.” Marriage is so important because it is more than “just a relationship.” God created this relationship so we could learn to love like him - so we could love someone like we love our own flesh. When we selfishly seize marital benefits without the marriage or when we divorce since the marriage is not going well, we are skipping everything God intended. The point is not to get what we want, the goal is to love like Christ. God is teaching us to love and sacrifice ourselves for someone even if they never love and respect us as they are commanded to.
When marriage is tough, we must remember these things. Let us love our spouse, not based on how they love us, but because we love Christ. Let us look at, serve, and love our spouse like they are our own flesh. Finally, let us remember that Christ-like love, not fulfillment, is God’s aim for our marriage. Joy may result, but the best part is that when we love without others loving us, we show true love for God. Before we finish, let’s make some important conclusions that relate to our study.
Resulting Conclusions
- Singles: marry, but do not marry with fulfillment as your goal. Subtract what you think your spouse will do to fulfill you. Then, consider if you are willing to love or respect this person.
- Marrieds: through marriage, God teaches us how to love others. Paul commands husbands to “love their wives as their own bodies.” Marriage helps us understand how to show this love to others. This is key, for God commands us to “love your neighbor as yourself.” Our relationship with our neighbor is different, but we are called to the same love. Asking, “What do I get out of this?” is irrelevant. Our love for others is to be based, not on their love for us, but on Christ’s love for us. Philippians 2:3–5, “3 Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4 Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. 5 Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus.”
- All: we do not deserve each other’s love, but we are one body - members of one another. Let us not keep each other at a distance, for we are to be unified as one. Let us not seek our fulfillment from the body or break fellowship with one another, because this is not loving like Christ. Christ did not leave us when we were at our worst - let us not do this to each other! Let’s love our neighbor as ourselves because Christ has loved us and we love Christ.
